Current mood:	loved
Current music:	Hoobastank - The Reason

Valentine's Day (what, no rant?)

This is usually when I would put up my yearly rant about Valentine's Day. When I was the editor of an ezine, it would come up in my Editor's Notes, guaranteeing me a wider audience on which to vent my frustrations with the holiday. Different variations, but basically the same spiel. How Valentine's Day is commercialized, a 'Hallmark holiday' which had lost its intrinsic value to rabid and apathetic consumerism. Just the thought of walking through a store full of pink and red fluffy things, or God help me, a hovering cupid, was enough to start me foaming at the mouth.

And while those things are true in some way, they're really not what bugs me if I put myself under the microscope. Years of disappointment on Valentine's molded me into a cynic. In high school, I remember other girls receiving balloons and flowers, delivered to their classes towards the end of the day. I was jealous. A simple and petty emotion, especially given the fact that the young suitors weren't always sending the gifts with noble intentions, but it didn't matter. I wanted a young man to fawn over me, the brain who never seemed to be able to fire anyone's blood. My best friend, tired of hearing me whine, no doubt, sent me some roses. I was touched but also embarrassed for two reasons: one, it was a friend sending me the flowers and two, I had made such an ass out of myself crying over some pretty dead foliage that she felt sorry for me.

As I got older, dated, married, etc, I did have a few good years. My ex-husband rode home across town with a huge teddy bear strapped on the back of his motorcycle. A male friend sent me a book of sayings and quotes, 'Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much'. But I always longed for that huge romantic gesture of a dozen red roses, even as much as I came to resent it.

To me, on Valentine's Day many people buy things because it is expected of them. Men rush to the florist at the last minute, hoping to stay in their wife's good graces, I see it every year. And in my opinion, that doesn't truly express love. You do things when they're not expected of you, just because you want to, you want to show how much you love someone. Like running your wife a hot bath because you know she's had a long day. Showing up at the office with dinner when you know your partner has to work late. Giving a big hug for absolutely no reason. A saying pops into mind, it's on a plaque over my mother's kitchen sink: 'I love hugs and I love kisses, but what I really love is help with the dishes!'

My best example? My ex-husband bringing me breakfast in bed a few days after our daughter was born. He cooked it, even though he never did the cooking and even made me drink the milk. I didn't like milk, he knew that but he also knew it was good for me and I needed the extra calcium since I was breastfeeding. That was love to me and it was even more significant because it wasn't on a special day set aside just for showing our feelings.

It is the simple things that best show how we feel. And I'm a firm believer that actions do speak louder than words; even 'I love you' can be abused and overused, its meaning tarnished.

This year I'm single, as I have been for the past several years. I could be bitter and resentful, just gritting my teeth until the holiday is over, but I've decided I've had enough of that. I don't have romantic love, but I do have love in abundance. I have two daughters who love me unconditionally, kissing and hugging me every day even if five minutes before they've described me as 'grumpy'. I have a big sloppy dog with a sock fetish who wakes me in the morning with nuzzles and licks and greets me every evening with a wildly wagging tail that could probably be considered a dangerous weapon. I have my parents, who have supported me and saved me quite a few times and who I have just begun to appreciate in the last five years or so. I have lifelong friends who have become family to me in my heart and other friends who aren't as close but are still loved. All of these people manage to love, like or care for me despite the fact that I'm not the easiest person to be around at time. I'm prickly and snarky on the outside but they see the squishy™ within.

I'm extremely fortunate. To all those I've listed above, you have my profound thanks, love and awe.

I might just consider this Joy Luck Day.